Background on the Best Nonexistent Holiday

Last Tuesday, during what was supposed to be an orderly discussion about pothole funding, Independence City Councilmember Linda “Two-Day Weekend” Perkins surprised everyone by introducing Ordinance 2025-1313: Porchsitting Day. According to the very official paperwork (scribbled on the back of a Methodist church bulletin), the holiday will fall on June 31st—a date guaranteed never to interfere with real life.

“It gives retirees something to look forward to, since the budget director’s fishing trip got canceled,” quipped Councilmember Perkins, who still hasn’t noticed June only has 30 days.

Local Reaction (and Mild Outrage)

Residents from Blue Springs to Lee’s Summit are reportedly too busy gossiping at Price Chopper to fact-check municipal proclamations. However, a few sharp-eyed retirees have already drafted a petition correcting the date to June 30½, because “it’s about principle.” Others have begun stocking up on rocking chairs:

  • Earlene Thompson (Methodist church gossip chair): “I like any excuse to stay outside until the mosquitoes chase me in.”
  • Frank Miller (Neighborhood Watch contact, unofficial): “I’ll be watching porches, not people—got to draw the line somewhere.”

Dot’s No-Nonsense Take

Having developed supernatural powers at the Independence Public Library reference desk, I can confirm that no one was consulted about this holiday except for three cardinals, two coots on Sugar Creek, and my 1987 Buick, which gave it a thumbs-down due to misaligned porch rails.

  1. Rule One: No actual sitting on June 31st—because it doesn’t exist.
  2. Rule Two: If you’re caught sitting anyway, you must host a potluck for the entire block.
  3. Rule Three: All porch dĂŠcor must include at least one municipal pothole rock, to remind us of what really matters.

In summary, Porchsitting Day is the Council’s most ambitious legislative feat since last year’s resolution to rename Blue Ridge Boulevard after someone no one can pronounce.*

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