Smalls Burgers Embraces Macro Synergy in Miniature Form

Smalls Burgers, the locally cherished burger joint headquartered just off the Country Club Plaza, has unveiled its latest “innovation”: the Nano Patty. According to their in-house “optimization” team, these bite-sized burgers will revolutionize the fast-casual landscape by delivering peak EBITDA per millimeter of bread.

“We really circled back on our core competencies—grilling, toasting, repeating—and discovered that, frankly, we could make more money if our customers ate less,” quipped one anonymous mid-level manager during a Zoom call filmed in front of his Herman Miller Aeron chair.

Key Takeaways

• Shrink to expand: By reducing patty size by 60%, Smalls projects a 200% jump in profit margins.
• Upsell synergy: Customers will be encouraged to order side-by-side “Nano Flights,” which come in sets of six, twelve, or a thoroughly irresponsible twenty.
• Local rollout: Pilot stores near Leawood Whole Foods and in the Crossroads Arts District will host “Tiny Tuesdays,” complete with artisan ketchup samplings.

Shareholder Delight, Customer Consternation

According to an internal white paper (co-authored by a Wharton dropout with a blockchain obsession), the Nano Patty initiative is the epitome of synergistic scalability. Early taste tests in Jackson County have yielded mixed signals: one patron declared, “I paid eight dollars for one bite and still felt emotionally underinvested,” while another reported she “felt less guilty about ordering dessert.”

Looking Ahead: From Nano to Mega

Industry insiders predict that if Nano Patties take off, Smalls Burgers could next explore Pico Patties, or perhaps the audacious Quark Patties—each sold only in pairs, and trays for the ultimate Kevin O’Leary–style “entrepreneurial tasting experience.” Whether Kansas Citians will warm to eating their profits one crumb at a time remains to be seen, but one thing’s certain: in today’s market, size truly does matter—just in the opposite direction.