Born Thomas Rodriguez in Northeast Kansas City, Tank earned his nickname in high school at Lincoln College Prep by attempting to tackle a vending machine that ate his dollar (the vending machine won). Despite being 5'6" and possessing the athletic coordination of a caffeinated sloth, Tank harbored serious NFL dreams throughout his youth, inspired by regular trips to Arrowhead Stadium with his dad.


He walked on to UMKC's football team and spent four years perfecting the art of bench warming, earning the team record for "most enthusiastic towel waving." His football career ended when he pulled his hamstring during the national anthem before a game against Wichita State. Tank then pivoted to coaching youth soccer in Blue Springs, where he was fired after three games for arguing with 8-year-olds about defensive formations and making one kid cry by explaining why their "hustle" wasn't statistically significant.


His sports journalism career began with a blog called "Tank's Takes" written from his studio apartment in Independence that doubles as a shrine to Chiefs and Royals memorabilia he can't afford. His most famous article, "Why I Could Have Saved Sporting KC's Season," went viral for all the wrong reasons. Tank now works nights at the Dick's Sporting Goods in Lee's Summit and spends his days crafting hot takes from Sidelines Sports Bar near Kauffman Stadium, where he's achieved legendary status for his ability to predict exactly what any coach should have done differently, usually involving more running plays and "heart."


His mother, who still lives in the Armourdale neighborhood where he grew up, has his participation trophies displayed prominently, and Tank considers them his greatest athletic achievements. He owns jerseys for seventeen different teams but bleeds Chiefs red and Royals blue. He claims to have "inside information" that's usually just drunk texts from his cousin who works concessions at The K.