Boom Goes the House

Last evening at approximately 8:13 p.m., the Independence Fire Department responded to a blaze on Philips Lane, only to discover that the inferno was fueled not by stray embers or faulty wiring, but by a veritable stockpile of fireworks. The homeowner, an anonymous Eastside retiree known only as “Big Al,” had been squirreling away leftover rockets since last Independence Day.

“I thought it was just thunder,” admitted neighbor-against-her-will Agnes P. from Raytown. “Turns out it was Al’s bottle rockets deciding to see daylight.”

Neighborhood Watch and Price Chopper Intel

Your correspondent, Dorothy “Dot” McAllister, obtained the scoop between scanning church bulletins at St. Luke’s Methodist and overhearing agitated retirees at Price Chopper. According to my network of senior sleuths (a.k.a. the Northland Neighborhood Watch), Big Al ignored every warning in the church newsletter:

  • June 15: “No fireworks storage in basement,” footnote by Trustee Jenkins.
  • June 22: “Second notice: Don’t blow up the parsonage.”
  • July 1: “Seriously, Al—this is your last warning.”

Firefighters vs. Fireworks

Independence’s bravest swiftly donned their turnout gear as rockets screamed overhead. Within 12 minutes, the blaze was contained, though not before:

  1. Releasing six mortar shells that landed harmlessly in a neighbor’s kiddie pool.
  2. Prompting Mayor Patricia Johnson to wonder aloud if the City Council should reconsider the new roundabout on Blue Ridge Boulevard—“Seems safer than storing dynamite at home,” she quipped.
  3. Provoking Dot’s 1987 Buick to stall in solidarity at the scene’s perimeter.

Aftermath and Lessons Learned

No one was seriously injured, and Big Al’s modest collection of sparklers, Roman candles and illegal M-80s was confiscated. As for Big Al himself, he sheepishly promised to stick to store-bought pre-lit displays next year. Meanwhile, St. Luke’s is drafting a new bulletin titled “How Not to Incinerate Your House and Churchyard.” Your faithful reporter will, of course, be first in line to distribute them.