The Great Jackson County Gun Study Showdown
In what feels like an overcaffeinated town hall meeting, Jackson County recently unveiled a 90-page report on gun violence. If you’ve ever wondered how many times Kansas Citians can simultaneously exclaim “Oh, shoot!” and “Did you fact-check that?,” this is the dossier for you. The report claims to be the most comprehensive local research since someone tried to count all the times the streetcar extension plans were delayed.
"We expected at best a spreadsheet, but we got a circus," said Dr. A. Field, a data analyst who remains mystified that bullet trajectories can be trending while font-size preferences remain unexplored.
Three Findings That Nearly Broke the Spreadsheet
- Peak Hours of Mayhem: 3–5 p.m., which, coincidentally, aligns perfectly with Rush Hour Rage and the moment your phone autocorrects “guns” into “buns.”
- Neighborhood Heat Map: The Plaza barely lit up—almost as if million-dollar shopping bags deter stray rounds. Meanwhile, a nameless cul-de-sac in eastern Liberty looks like it’s hosting a drive-through shooting gallery.
- Policy Proposals: A laundry list of suggestions ranging from free earplugs to persuade people not to shoot, to mandatory Times New Roman disclaimers on every magazine—because, apparently, font choice is where the real Second Amendment battle is waged.
From Prairie Village to the Plaza: Opinions Inside the Debate Arena
Having grown up in Prairie Village’s real-time fact-checking dinner debates, I find it perversely delightful that we now argue over whether “trigger discipline” is an advanced yoga pose or a constitutional requirement. Mayor Quinton Lucas has called for “compassionate solutions,” which is municipal speak for “let’s meet again next month and blame the other side.” Meanwhile, a hush has fallen on the question: how many of our 39th Street houseplants can we water before a stray bullet hits a fern?
The Final Round: Where Do We Go From Here?
If data is power, this report forgot its charger. We need more than color-coded maps and half-baked recommendations. Perhaps it’s time for radical, cough compassionate action—like requiring anyone who buys a magazine with more than 12 rounds to also check out a book on conflict resolution from Rainy Day Books (and argue about its Dewey Decimal placement). Because if Kansas City has taught us anything, it’s that real change comes from persistent debate, questionable font choices, and the occasional digestive protest at the Dairy Queen.